


Apoplectic

by JotDown



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Gen, Some mention of cram school I cried writing this Baby Rin Yukio and his guns Shiro’s A+ parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-24 01:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13800924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JotDown/pseuds/JotDown
Summary: Rin reflects on what had always been. Oneshot, complete. Originally posted from fanfiction.net on 02/03/18.





	Apoplectic

 

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I give all credit and thanks to the talented Kazue Katō.

/

_Monster._

When he was five-years-old, Rin took a new word home from school.

Angling his small head while scrunching his face in confusion, he tested the foreignness of it on his tongue, and found it surprisingly bitter. Even at that tender age he had been instinctively uneasy. The recognition—the brutality of honest likeness had left him afraid. Unable to voice his instantaneous hysteria, he lashed out. How could he know his denial would be so powerful? His anguish so overwhelming?

_How could a five-year-old boy put a name to heartbreak?_

He had nearly killed two other students that day too, as he recalled.

He hadn't meant to.  _He never meant to._

A car—his most favorite toy in the whole classroom, had been taken from him. Bright blue metal and plastic had seemed to shine especially for him. Another child, slightly older, always bigger it seemed; Rin hadn't liked to be pushed.

Rage and fury and the—the  _unfairness_  rushed over him. He was suddenly drowning; floating in the background as everything grew fuzzy. He had come back to himself surrounded by flashing red lights. Too bright and too loud—his tiny fists stained with blood so dark it was nearly black.

 _Alone, on the other side of the room._ He saw what  _division_ and  _chasm_ were too.

He couldn't comprehend his own embarrassment or sorrow as his teacher clutched his remaining uninjured classmates. Their eyes innocent, wide.  _Terrified._  Like he was an outsider who dared to intrude on their safe world.

A world he was no longer part of, if he had ever truly been.

Chest heaving, his little body shaking as he screamed like a feral creature. Like an injured beast. Too young to grasp the shame staining his face or the tears streaming down his round cheeks.

Until daddy had come and carried him away. He'd spoken to him what it meant to be a man. Told him his hopes for his future—that he would grow up strong. Be a cool guy.

_Just like daddy._

Years later, staring down the loaded barrel of his little brother's gun in a chaotic hobgoblin invested classroom, he had finally been able to associate his rage with loneliness. With guilt. And hurt. A hundred little emotions constantly ebbing and churning within him. Had felt his heart shatter while staring into Yukio's face—had seen his own reflection, the same look his teacher had given him so long ago.

_As if they saw an alien creature. Something to be distrusted and despised._

_A demon's child._

On the day his dad had died—the day he had met that demon who had come to steal everything from him, he tasted regret and remorse.

To this day, those are the harshest. Sour and pungent.

The last words he had said to his dad. Accusations. He saw his strongest supporter finally giving up on him. Finally seeing what that woman had saw.  _Throwing Rin away._

And in his brother's eyes he saw the effects of his words. The blame and responsibility. The burden of Shiro's death. The sharpness of dad's slap, still tingled. The sting and all too familiar burn of shame on his cheeks. He learned that rage begets violence.

And violence... always..always... _always begets sorrow._

Only as he stood in the rain—only as his life was threatened the day he buried his father—did he realize that he yearned for new flavors.

_Hope. Forgiveness. Happiness..._

Ten years later, ten years too late.

Rin finally realized he had always known what monster meant as he had lived it everyday of his young life. The reality he had been sheltered from.

And on that day, as he stared into the smirking face of Mephisto Pheles and declared his intentions—he decided he was ready.

_He didn't want to be a monster anymore._


End file.
